Depression During the Holidays

Well-meaning friends and family often say the wrong thing to those with depression during the holidays. Here's a few things they (and you) should know.

Book publishing starts winding down today for the holiday week so I will return to industry topics after Thanksgiving. Today, I want to discuss how depression affects people during the holidays. This is based on my experience, but many of you can relate. I hope it helps.

Holidays Hit Everyone Differently. Be Kind.

If I’m being honest, I am already experiencing anxiety thinking about the holidays. I’ve been this way since my parents and brother passed away. On the one hand, I am grateful for the time with my family. On the other hand, the absence of my parents and brother is magnified. Some of what I feel is anticipatory grief: I know what’s coming, so I adjust my emotions as needed. What gives me anxiety is “the after.” The quiet hours before and after Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. Like many people, I put on a smile so I don’t “ruin” anyone else’s holiday. That takes a lot of energy, and I can’t keep it up for long, so I try to steal pockets of time to read a book, take a nap, or whatever else self-care might look like. Ten minutes in fresh air can sometimes do wonders.

What I’d like to impart to people who do not experience depression is this: Please don’t force holiday cheer upon people who have mental health struggles. When you do so, we know it is more about how you envision a holiday and not about ensuring we are okay (or as okay as we can be). I can’t tell you how often I have heard, “Cheer up, it’s the holidays!” or “How can you be depressed during Christmas?” I would prefer to hear, “I know this time of year can be hard. How are you doing?” or a simple text saying, “I am thinking about you.” These simple acts mean you must look outside what you envision as a perfect holiday and accept that some people barely have their heads above water.

People Who Experience Depression Don’t Want to Ruin Anything

Depression looks different for everyone. Some people are angry, others are sad, and some experience severe social anxiety. It’s not that we don’t want to attend your holiday party or casual get-together. It’s that every bone in our bodies tells us to please stay home instead of heading into a social situation that makes us feel worse. Sometimes, we feel like we will ruin everyone else’s fun.

Over the past few years, my husband has gotten Jingle Ball tickets for my daughter. It’s a big concert with top-notch pop star acts at Madison Square Garden in NYC. The first year I went, I had a complete meltdown because I couldn’t handle the crowd, upsetting my kids and spouse. After that, we joked that I was banned from the event, but it meant that my spouse was letting me off the hook because he knew the effect the atmosphere had on me. Showing your friends and family grace during the holiday season is a great gift—and it’s free.

It’s Okay to Cry

You should never feel bad about crying during the holidays, and no one should ever make you feel bad about it. It can feel like you are being swallowed up by festivities, which can be overwhelming and easily lead to tears. Permit yourself to let it out.

Some People Won’t Tell You How They Feel

I am guilty of internalizing depression, so I shield others from it. I’ve learned (through many years of therapy) how to express what I’m feeling and why to people I trust. That doesn’t mean I always turn to a family member. Sometimes, my first text is to a dear friend who I know will understand how I feel and help me see things in a different light. Other times, as much as I hate to admit it, I suffer in silence because I feel like too much of a burden. And that is what I want people who don’t experience depression to know: We won’t always ask for help because we are in so much pain that we convince ourselves we can’t burden others.

Not long ago, I was having a terrible day. I felt like quitting school, quitting this newsletter, and shutting down my business. I felt worthless and like I had nothing to contribute. Thankfully, a friend (you know who you are) texted me that same day to see how I was. She saved my life. She was worried because she hadn’t seen me post anywhere for days. She was right to be concerned and acted on it, for which I am forever grateful. This is all to say: text that friend you’ve thought about.

What I Want You to Know

If you are experiencing depression or anxiety this holiday season (or any other time) and feel like you have no one to talk to, please know that my email is open to you. It doesn’t matter if we are strangers. Keep this on hand: kathleen@kmspr.com. Use it. Talk to each other in the comments. We are a community, and we need each other.

What I Want Your Friends and Family to Know

People who experience depression and anxiety during the holidays often can’t help it. As disciplined as I am with weekly therapy and daily medication, I still struggle. I also feel bad about struggling because I beat myself up for being “less than” due to depression. What I don’t need, and what people you care about don’t need, is to feel worse about themselves because they don’t fit into a particular holiday narrative (Hallmark movies, anyone?). Please exercise empathy and meet people where they are instead of making them feel they shouldn’t be around. I can guarantee the person who feels terrible is also trying their best to function.

My Favorite Holiday Movie + a Bonus One

The Family Stone is my favorite holiday movie because it shows how imperfect families are and the sad things people deal with during the holidays. It is also bittersweet and hopeful. I cry (in a good way) every time I watch it.

Just Friends is my second favorite holiday movie because it makes me laugh harder every time I watch it. Again, it is about our imperfections and how being authentic is probably better than trying to be someone you’re not.

Honorable mentions: The Holiday and Elf.

Publishing Confidential is taking the rest of the week off. I wish you and yours a loving, peaceful Thanksgiving.

-Kathleen