Well-meaning friends and family often say the wrong thing to those with depression during the holidays. Here's a few things they (and you) should know.
Thank you, Kathleen, for these often overlooked or criticized behaviors. Also, I’d love if you checked out my Substack on mental wellness and resilience, Mental Wellbeing with Michele…
Thanks for solid advice and gently reminding those who don’t understand depression to be willing to walk beside it. This hit: “I am grateful for the time with my family. On the other hand, the absence of my parents and brother is magnified.” My brother died a year ago I (Nov. 29) and my mom’s death date is Dec. 8 four years ago. Now this time of year, I feel especially conflicted.
I can relate to what was expressed here as I suffered debilitating depression for many years. I tried to shield my children from my pain. My therapist told me when I wanted to cry in front of them to tell them I saw a sad movie — That didn’t work. They *knew* there was more to the story. I felt a lot of guilt around the fact that my children were raised by a depressed mother. It has a lot of negative consequences for children, unfortunately.
The holidays were the worse time for me because the kids were so excited about decorating the tree and getting presents. I felt I had to put up an act to keep them from seeing me crying. That’s what I wanted to do most of the time, year after year. Either that or lie in bed all day! No motivation to do anything. I couldn’t get laundry done or the cooking. But, I got the kids dressed and off to school. The tree also got decorated. Santa came.
While we may know how we feel when we’re depressed during the holidays, the source of the depression is not always clear. People with trauma histories, for example, tend to be triggered during the holidays as it can bring up past memories. But also, depression may be connected with seasonal change. With me, it’s a combination of factors. Depression is mostly gone due to years of trauma therapy. It takes a lot of energy to be depressed when you are trying to put all those feelings back in Pandora’s box. I didn’t have to look at traumatic memories and loss that felt too overwhelming to face. Once I processed the grief, I discovered I didn’t need depression to mask what I was feeling on a deeper level.
“Lost Connections: Uncovering The Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions” provides alternative ways at looking at depression.
Ketamine and psylocibin coupled with trauma therapy (if there’s grief or loss from the past to process) can also be helpful for depression. Far more effective than SSRIs.
When we experience intense, uncomfortable or negative feelings, we tend to shut down because our culture does not encourage healthy expression of emotions. We do not have communities that are supportive of the pain many of us carry from past losses.
Seasonal depression can be more tricky. By 3 or 4 pm it’s dark outside! Additional lighting and time outside exercising in the morning for a hour a day seems to help.
I wish everyone a joyful and peaceful holiday season.
Thank you Kathleen for this thoughtful and resource-filled post about stress, anxiety, and depression around the holidays. Very much appreciate you sharing this helpful and kind advice.
Thanks so much for sharing this. More people struggle over the holidays than many realize. I’m one of the ones who puts on a happy face - thanks again for this piece.
“Meet people where they are.” Wise counsel. And to you and the rest of us? Meet yourself where YOU are. Your feelings are valid. And if they become too much? take? Take steps to reach out to a safe place. In a crisis, you can also call 988.
I love The Family Stone. I have dealt with both depression and anxiety for years but only in the last 1.5 years did I recommit to therapy. My grandmother and uncle died within 18 months of each other in 2021/2022, we have multiple terminal cancer diagnoses in our extended family, and my twin is dealing with ongoing battle to have a second living child- plus the election! as I told my therapist it is a lot to process but especially at a time when we are all “supposed to be happy.” I try to find whatever moments of joy I can and try not to overextend myself or mask my true feelings to my own detriment. I appreciate your writing here.
Thank you, Kathleen, for these often overlooked or criticized behaviors. Also, I’d love if you checked out my Substack on mental wellness and resilience, Mental Wellbeing with Michele…
Thanks for solid advice and gently reminding those who don’t understand depression to be willing to walk beside it. This hit: “I am grateful for the time with my family. On the other hand, the absence of my parents and brother is magnified.” My brother died a year ago I (Nov. 29) and my mom’s death date is Dec. 8 four years ago. Now this time of year, I feel especially conflicted.
I can relate to what was expressed here as I suffered debilitating depression for many years. I tried to shield my children from my pain. My therapist told me when I wanted to cry in front of them to tell them I saw a sad movie — That didn’t work. They *knew* there was more to the story. I felt a lot of guilt around the fact that my children were raised by a depressed mother. It has a lot of negative consequences for children, unfortunately.
The holidays were the worse time for me because the kids were so excited about decorating the tree and getting presents. I felt I had to put up an act to keep them from seeing me crying. That’s what I wanted to do most of the time, year after year. Either that or lie in bed all day! No motivation to do anything. I couldn’t get laundry done or the cooking. But, I got the kids dressed and off to school. The tree also got decorated. Santa came.
While we may know how we feel when we’re depressed during the holidays, the source of the depression is not always clear. People with trauma histories, for example, tend to be triggered during the holidays as it can bring up past memories. But also, depression may be connected with seasonal change. With me, it’s a combination of factors. Depression is mostly gone due to years of trauma therapy. It takes a lot of energy to be depressed when you are trying to put all those feelings back in Pandora’s box. I didn’t have to look at traumatic memories and loss that felt too overwhelming to face. Once I processed the grief, I discovered I didn’t need depression to mask what I was feeling on a deeper level.
“Lost Connections: Uncovering The Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions” provides alternative ways at looking at depression.
Ketamine and psylocibin coupled with trauma therapy (if there’s grief or loss from the past to process) can also be helpful for depression. Far more effective than SSRIs.
When we experience intense, uncomfortable or negative feelings, we tend to shut down because our culture does not encourage healthy expression of emotions. We do not have communities that are supportive of the pain many of us carry from past losses.
Seasonal depression can be more tricky. By 3 or 4 pm it’s dark outside! Additional lighting and time outside exercising in the morning for a hour a day seems to help.
I wish everyone a joyful and peaceful holiday season.
Thank you Kathleen for this thoughtful and resource-filled post about stress, anxiety, and depression around the holidays. Very much appreciate you sharing this helpful and kind advice.
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt message - wishing you a delicious and peaceful Thanksgiving <3
Thanks Kathleen and those of us with eating disorders can be very challenged by these holidays!!
Praying for your health and well-being, Kathleen!
Thanks so much for sharing this. More people struggle over the holidays than many realize. I’m one of the ones who puts on a happy face - thanks again for this piece.
Thank you for sharing this 💕
“Meet people where they are.” Wise counsel. And to you and the rest of us? Meet yourself where YOU are. Your feelings are valid. And if they become too much? take? Take steps to reach out to a safe place. In a crisis, you can also call 988.
I loved this. So relatable for me. Thank you.
I admire you for being so vulnerable to educate others.
Beautiful truth. Thanks.
A kind, generous and wise post, Kathleen. Thank you!
I love The Family Stone. I have dealt with both depression and anxiety for years but only in the last 1.5 years did I recommit to therapy. My grandmother and uncle died within 18 months of each other in 2021/2022, we have multiple terminal cancer diagnoses in our extended family, and my twin is dealing with ongoing battle to have a second living child- plus the election! as I told my therapist it is a lot to process but especially at a time when we are all “supposed to be happy.” I try to find whatever moments of joy I can and try not to overextend myself or mask my true feelings to my own detriment. I appreciate your writing here.
So lovely and spot on. Thank you.