I so identify with this, especially the childhood fear of losing them, the defense mechanism of distancing as an adult, and the regret later. Ditto to all of that. 💔
This is beautiful, thank you for your words. They resonate with me deeply as I had a dear Aunt pass away Christmas Eve 2021 and a dear Uncle pass two weeks later. The days, weeks and years that follow are indescribable for those who don't know yet and it's incredibly jarring, the seasonal reminder that occurs. So appreciate your words.
Bless your heart ❤️ I know exactly how you feel I not only have now lost my parents but my very very best friend and only oldest daughter passed away last year right after her birthday at 23years old. And I have been in prisoning myself inside and for over 8 months I don't think I came out of the house and smelled the fresh air or felt the warmth of the sun on my face. I've had to force myself back into the land of the living and it's a struggle every single day. If I didn't have two teenage boys that depend on me I would have been with her by now. But I finally have a want to live life again instead of silently praying not to wake the next day every night as I lay away for hours before drifting off to crazy dreams and nightmares just to awaken with disappointment
that I was still alive to awaken in the first place. But I can thankfully say that I no longer feel like that and pray those days and nights are behind me. An finally look forward to the future. But I still have bad days just like everyone else I can barely make it one or two days without crying for something that reminds me of her thankfully AI photo editing has made seeing what she would look like as a beautiful bride or pregnant with a grandchild I'll never have. I have made so many pictures it's been very therapeutic. Thank you for listening sorry for taking so long but my prayers are with you. Your not alone in your grief
Yes. I help writers self publish. I think we have done three now and have a fourth about ready to go on grief. It is truly a personal path. Just do what feels right for you. My thoughts are with you.
Kathleen, thank you for expressing what I've been feeling for the past several years. My mother died on Dec 18, 2018, just months after my husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I still feel cheated out of being able to mourn her death.
With my husband, I was like you and pulled away from him (and he from me) in the hopes I would not be as shattered by his death. It left me with the same feelings of regret over time we could have spent grieving together and comforting each other.
My father died on Xmas 2021, just four months after my husband, and again, I felt numb, overwhelmed by the losses. It will be the third anniversary of my husband's death on Aug 25, and I've been feeling the heaviness all summer.
I don't know if this will help you, but I recently wrote that, "Grief feels more like a mild to moderate chronic condition rather than an acute, yet curable, disease. Mourning Steven’s death is a part of who I am now. Sometimes I will have grief-fueled flare ups, other times I will have no symptoms at all."
Thank you for sharing this, Kathleen. I lost both my parents during the pandemic. Their deaths have been far more complicated for me than I could have imagined. I wonder if there is something about autumn from your childhood with yoru parents that you could look back to as October arrives.
Thanks for this. I hit the same shoals every December and it helps me to mimic the stuff that made all the goodness. I used to be so resentful about putting up the Christmas tree. Now I've bought one, and I have a little tipple and cry a little putting it up, but it's also cathartic and the family likes it, it reminds them of their gramma's joy. I finally accepted the lesson of how fortunate I was to have had a parent I miss so much.
So poignant and touching. My hairdresser was just commenting about this as she lost her mom in May. That you can truly commiserate with friends and others on such losses, but you don't really get it until you experience it yourself. My mom passed in 2023 after years of struggling with Parkinson's, and my dad's health is failing. I'm bracing for an elevated level of grief when he passes.
The thing I've found hardest is that sometimes grief can take a long, long time before it hits. In some cases, it can be years later, and there's no apparent reason for it. You think you're fine, and then... WHAM!
My mom was only 50 when she died in 1997, and I was about the age my kids are now. I don’t want to leave my kids motherless! I had to go through a horrific divorce without my mom. My daughter also went through an extremely difficult and bizarre divorce but by God, I’ve helped her in every way I can. We need our moms long after we grow up. Two years ago, my sister died at 52. She missed the birth of her grandchild. My niece has no mother to turn to. It’s all so sad.
Thank you for writing this blog. When both parents die it leaves you feeling like an orphan. My father died when I was 21, and he was only 55, my mother died at age 90 in 2008. Both died in the month of August . Last Dec, my only son passed at the age of 45. The grief is intense for all of them, but my son's birthday in Oct and the one year anniversary of his death in Dec will be even harder to face. I will trust in the Lord and am so grateful that I know I will see them again. Still, the grief Iis real.
This is beautiful, Kathleen. So beautiful and so relatable. I was diagnosed with autoimmune encephalitis in May 2018, but the terrorizing onset began to rage in March. My body continues to keep the score of the spring trauma and the loss of my career as a lawyer. I also lost my dad in May 2023. I continue to learn how to work through my spring grief.
I so identify with this, especially the childhood fear of losing them, the defense mechanism of distancing as an adult, and the regret later. Ditto to all of that. 💔
This is beautiful, thank you for your words. They resonate with me deeply as I had a dear Aunt pass away Christmas Eve 2021 and a dear Uncle pass two weeks later. The days, weeks and years that follow are indescribable for those who don't know yet and it's incredibly jarring, the seasonal reminder that occurs. So appreciate your words.
Bless your heart ❤️ I know exactly how you feel I not only have now lost my parents but my very very best friend and only oldest daughter passed away last year right after her birthday at 23years old. And I have been in prisoning myself inside and for over 8 months I don't think I came out of the house and smelled the fresh air or felt the warmth of the sun on my face. I've had to force myself back into the land of the living and it's a struggle every single day. If I didn't have two teenage boys that depend on me I would have been with her by now. But I finally have a want to live life again instead of silently praying not to wake the next day every night as I lay away for hours before drifting off to crazy dreams and nightmares just to awaken with disappointment
that I was still alive to awaken in the first place. But I can thankfully say that I no longer feel like that and pray those days and nights are behind me. An finally look forward to the future. But I still have bad days just like everyone else I can barely make it one or two days without crying for something that reminds me of her thankfully AI photo editing has made seeing what she would look like as a beautiful bride or pregnant with a grandchild I'll never have. I have made so many pictures it's been very therapeutic. Thank you for listening sorry for taking so long but my prayers are with you. Your not alone in your grief
As one sitting in my childhood home helping my mom transition to assisted living, this resonates.
❤️❤️❤️
I am new to my own cycle of grief, but I think staring at the ocean… is important self care. Wishing you an easier fall.
Yes. I help writers self publish. I think we have done three now and have a fourth about ready to go on grief. It is truly a personal path. Just do what feels right for you. My thoughts are with you.
Kathleen, thank you for expressing what I've been feeling for the past several years. My mother died on Dec 18, 2018, just months after my husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I still feel cheated out of being able to mourn her death.
With my husband, I was like you and pulled away from him (and he from me) in the hopes I would not be as shattered by his death. It left me with the same feelings of regret over time we could have spent grieving together and comforting each other.
My father died on Xmas 2021, just four months after my husband, and again, I felt numb, overwhelmed by the losses. It will be the third anniversary of my husband's death on Aug 25, and I've been feeling the heaviness all summer.
I don't know if this will help you, but I recently wrote that, "Grief feels more like a mild to moderate chronic condition rather than an acute, yet curable, disease. Mourning Steven’s death is a part of who I am now. Sometimes I will have grief-fueled flare ups, other times I will have no symptoms at all."
Big hugs to you, and thank you for that last quote. It makes so much sense.
Thank you for sharing this, Kathleen. I lost both my parents during the pandemic. Their deaths have been far more complicated for me than I could have imagined. I wonder if there is something about autumn from your childhood with yoru parents that you could look back to as October arrives.
Sending love to you. Halloween is really the thing that helps me because my dad loved it so much.
Thanks for this. I hit the same shoals every December and it helps me to mimic the stuff that made all the goodness. I used to be so resentful about putting up the Christmas tree. Now I've bought one, and I have a little tipple and cry a little putting it up, but it's also cathartic and the family likes it, it reminds them of their gramma's joy. I finally accepted the lesson of how fortunate I was to have had a parent I miss so much.
So poignant and touching. My hairdresser was just commenting about this as she lost her mom in May. That you can truly commiserate with friends and others on such losses, but you don't really get it until you experience it yourself. My mom passed in 2023 after years of struggling with Parkinson's, and my dad's health is failing. I'm bracing for an elevated level of grief when he passes.
Sending you so much love.
To you, as well. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you for sharing this, Kathleen. I hope this autumn, and each one after that, gets easier for you.
The thing I've found hardest is that sometimes grief can take a long, long time before it hits. In some cases, it can be years later, and there's no apparent reason for it. You think you're fine, and then... WHAM!
Exactly.
My mom was only 50 when she died in 1997, and I was about the age my kids are now. I don’t want to leave my kids motherless! I had to go through a horrific divorce without my mom. My daughter also went through an extremely difficult and bizarre divorce but by God, I’ve helped her in every way I can. We need our moms long after we grow up. Two years ago, my sister died at 52. She missed the birth of her grandchild. My niece has no mother to turn to. It’s all so sad.
Thank you for sharing.
I lost both of my parents in their 60s. One 2 years ago, the other 8. It ebbs and flows.
Thank you for writing this blog. When both parents die it leaves you feeling like an orphan. My father died when I was 21, and he was only 55, my mother died at age 90 in 2008. Both died in the month of August . Last Dec, my only son passed at the age of 45. The grief is intense for all of them, but my son's birthday in Oct and the one year anniversary of his death in Dec will be even harder to face. I will trust in the Lord and am so grateful that I know I will see them again. Still, the grief Iis real.
Much love to you.
This is beautifully written, Kathleen.
Thank you, Meg!
This is beautiful, Kathleen. So beautiful and so relatable. I was diagnosed with autoimmune encephalitis in May 2018, but the terrorizing onset began to rage in March. My body continues to keep the score of the spring trauma and the loss of my career as a lawyer. I also lost my dad in May 2023. I continue to learn how to work through my spring grief.
Sending you love as you reclaim fall.
Thank you and sending you love.