Sixteen years ago today, I was driving to the hospital where my mother was in hospice care, dying from congestive heart failure and a host of other health issues.
Kathleen, this broke my heart. Thank you for your raw and brave honesty. I relate so much to so many of of your narratives. It gave me the chills. I hope you find solace in knowing that you have soul sisters who share similar hurts and heartbreaks and that we struggle to become whole because were never not whole only led to think we were not. My mother passed away last May 2024 at age 95 1/2 (I just turned 71). We had a tortured relationship and I miss her more everyday. The wedding dress scene brings me back to my first marriage when we went shopping for my dress. Though my mother (parents) paid for it, it was not the dress I wanted or felt like a princess in. The dress I wanted was an off the shoulder pure white dress that at the time (1979) cost $600. She refused to let me have it. I had to buy a cream Victorian long sleeve high collared lacy dress for $350. I was told it was not "my wedding" it was "hers". The marriage did not last more than 18 months and she bought my engagement ring from me for $600 so I would not sell it and wore it in addition to her own until I was in my 60s when she presented the diamond to me in a necklace. My father by that time had long passed away: he passed away 6 months after I married that first husband. Keep sharing. I look forward to reading. Happy Holidays. ❤️
Thank you Kathleen. It made me feel less alone and more compassionate towards my mother. She died last February and I miss her and at the same time I don't. Hard to explain, but you just did beautifly. Greetings from Argentina 💜
Such a tender, honest and truthful mini-memoir of love. It's easy to gloss over the wrinkles in their personality that were, um, difficult after they've gone but it was those wrinkles that made them the Mum and Dad we love. You're right; the things I wish I could say to them now are so much more than what I understood back in 2008 even though you're led to believe you know it all by thirty-five. I'm glad your therapy has helped you to get to where you felt you could write this piece ❤️
This was so helpful to read. I just lost my dad in October. I am sorry your mother went through all of that and took it out on you in that way. I am glad you are healing from it.
what a tender and insightful piece. I love it. And I so appreciate your openness in sharing it. it is the kind of piece we can all appreciate in our own way and so, as a writer, you are connecting with us in a way that is deep and important.
the piece also reflects the time your Mom grew up in, the culture and morés our mothers had to contend with. Looking back it is amazing how much they put up with.
I appreciate you sharing this, Kathleen. My mother was horrible to me and when she passed I felt a great weight lifted. I was finally able to enjoy the good things in my life without worrying about how she would sour them for me. I've spent the last 15 years healing and finally understand that she was incapable of being any other way. My anger transformed into pity and then to compassion. She was deeply unhappy for her entire life.
Thank you for sharing this. My mother and I were kind of starting to become friends when she died, and I'm not sure how things would have ended up...we just didn't understand each other very well. But I feel sad for you, that your mother would say to you that she didn't like you, I don't think my mom would have ever said that to my face - I'm so sorry.
What a complicated relationship to unpack in a newsletter. Thank you for sharing this with us, your readers and your supporters. There’s so much I want to say but im not ready. For now I’ll just say thank you.
Thank you for such a candid and moving look at your mother-daughter (er, daughter-mother?) relationship. My 99-year-old grandmother died in September and left behind a complicated legacy involving her deceased ex-husband (my grandfather), my mom, her siblings, and myself and my brother. I haven’t worked my way through all of it yet, and it’s somehow fortifying to read about your experience and know that there are other stories like this out there, and people moving on among them—however slowly or imperfectly. Sending you strength and appreciation for sharing all of this 🙏
My mother passed away several years ago. She believed as she did because of the environment she grew up in but she was pushy. I often felt everything had to go her way or she’d get upset. Despite that, she was a good mum, mostly. She did her best with the knowledge she had.
My dad remarried shortly afterwards because he doesn’t like to be alone. This was no surprise. However, he has changed and he has hurt me so many times over the last few years that I’ve had to cut contact for my own health. I’m still struggling with how he has changed and that I’ve had to make this awful decision, but it is the right one for me. I never thought this would happen, but it goes to show, just because you’re family, it doesn’t mean you have to like each other. Just because they’re your parents, it doesn’t mean they like you, or understand you. It can also hurt when you discover that they don’t care about you like they said they do.
I miss my mum, but I’m freer without her. I’m currently hurting too much to see what life will be without my dad in it. I have hope and feel positive about what I am working toward, so I try to focus on that and keep moving forward.
Very heartwarming, Kathleen. We have many shared experiences. I wish my mother's depression didn't get in the way of me really knowing her. Our mother's were trapped. Mine said she always wanted to be a doctor. Despite the pain of the past, you have approached understanding in a graceful way.
Kathleen, this broke my heart. Thank you for your raw and brave honesty. I relate so much to so many of of your narratives. It gave me the chills. I hope you find solace in knowing that you have soul sisters who share similar hurts and heartbreaks and that we struggle to become whole because were never not whole only led to think we were not. My mother passed away last May 2024 at age 95 1/2 (I just turned 71). We had a tortured relationship and I miss her more everyday. The wedding dress scene brings me back to my first marriage when we went shopping for my dress. Though my mother (parents) paid for it, it was not the dress I wanted or felt like a princess in. The dress I wanted was an off the shoulder pure white dress that at the time (1979) cost $600. She refused to let me have it. I had to buy a cream Victorian long sleeve high collared lacy dress for $350. I was told it was not "my wedding" it was "hers". The marriage did not last more than 18 months and she bought my engagement ring from me for $600 so I would not sell it and wore it in addition to her own until I was in my 60s when she presented the diamond to me in a necklace. My father by that time had long passed away: he passed away 6 months after I married that first husband. Keep sharing. I look forward to reading. Happy Holidays. ❤️
This is beautiful and moving, Kathleen. Brave of you to write and share.
Thank you Kathleen. It made me feel less alone and more compassionate towards my mother. She died last February and I miss her and at the same time I don't. Hard to explain, but you just did beautifly. Greetings from Argentina 💜
So moving. Thank you for sharing.
Such a tender, honest and truthful mini-memoir of love. It's easy to gloss over the wrinkles in their personality that were, um, difficult after they've gone but it was those wrinkles that made them the Mum and Dad we love. You're right; the things I wish I could say to them now are so much more than what I understood back in 2008 even though you're led to believe you know it all by thirty-five. I'm glad your therapy has helped you to get to where you felt you could write this piece ❤️
This was so helpful to read. I just lost my dad in October. I am sorry your mother went through all of that and took it out on you in that way. I am glad you are healing from it.
what a tender and insightful piece. I love it. And I so appreciate your openness in sharing it. it is the kind of piece we can all appreciate in our own way and so, as a writer, you are connecting with us in a way that is deep and important.
the piece also reflects the time your Mom grew up in, the culture and morés our mothers had to contend with. Looking back it is amazing how much they put up with.
thanks again.
Thanks so much.
Thank you for this. May all of us, the daughters wh have complex relationships with our mothers, share in knowing we are not alone.
I appreciate you sharing this, Kathleen. My mother was horrible to me and when she passed I felt a great weight lifted. I was finally able to enjoy the good things in my life without worrying about how she would sour them for me. I've spent the last 15 years healing and finally understand that she was incapable of being any other way. My anger transformed into pity and then to compassion. She was deeply unhappy for her entire life.
Thank you for reading it.
Thank you for sharing your emotional truth. I appreciate it. 💕🙏
Thank you for sharing this. My mother and I were kind of starting to become friends when she died, and I'm not sure how things would have ended up...we just didn't understand each other very well. But I feel sad for you, that your mother would say to you that she didn't like you, I don't think my mom would have ever said that to my face - I'm so sorry.
What a complicated relationship to unpack in a newsletter. Thank you for sharing this with us, your readers and your supporters. There’s so much I want to say but im not ready. For now I’ll just say thank you.
Thank you for such a candid and moving look at your mother-daughter (er, daughter-mother?) relationship. My 99-year-old grandmother died in September and left behind a complicated legacy involving her deceased ex-husband (my grandfather), my mom, her siblings, and myself and my brother. I haven’t worked my way through all of it yet, and it’s somehow fortifying to read about your experience and know that there are other stories like this out there, and people moving on among them—however slowly or imperfectly. Sending you strength and appreciation for sharing all of this 🙏
My mother passed away several years ago. She believed as she did because of the environment she grew up in but she was pushy. I often felt everything had to go her way or she’d get upset. Despite that, she was a good mum, mostly. She did her best with the knowledge she had.
My dad remarried shortly afterwards because he doesn’t like to be alone. This was no surprise. However, he has changed and he has hurt me so many times over the last few years that I’ve had to cut contact for my own health. I’m still struggling with how he has changed and that I’ve had to make this awful decision, but it is the right one for me. I never thought this would happen, but it goes to show, just because you’re family, it doesn’t mean you have to like each other. Just because they’re your parents, it doesn’t mean they like you, or understand you. It can also hurt when you discover that they don’t care about you like they said they do.
I miss my mum, but I’m freer without her. I’m currently hurting too much to see what life will be without my dad in it. I have hope and feel positive about what I am working toward, so I try to focus on that and keep moving forward.
Very heartwarming, Kathleen. We have many shared experiences. I wish my mother's depression didn't get in the way of me really knowing her. Our mother's were trapped. Mine said she always wanted to be a doctor. Despite the pain of the past, you have approached understanding in a graceful way.
Thank you for this. You capture the complexity of grief perfectly. Especially mourning a complicated relationship . Sending light your way.